


A Different Drum

by KelpietheThundergod



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean-Centric, Gen, Intrusive Thoughts, Panic Attack, Post-Episode: s13e20 Unfinished Business, episode coda, implied suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 20:24:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14504787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KelpietheThundergod/pseuds/KelpietheThundergod
Summary: The war room table that he's parked his butt on glows faintly in the dark. It seems kind of final, sitting here.Dean tips the glass back. He didn't get punched in the face today, no sore places inside his mouth tingling with pain. This is a different kind of burn.Cradling the empty glass in his hand, he rubs a thumb over its cut crystal pattern. It's too damn quiet in his home. Too damn quiet. If—when they get everyone back, it's going to be so much better. Everyone's going to be so happy. Dean pictures them all smiling, hugging each other.Try as he might, but he can't see himself there.





	A Different Drum

 

 

 

_and I stood upon the sand of the seashore,_

_and saw a beast rise up out of the sea_

 

 

 

 

The whiskey burns going down. Only three fingers; he's pacing himself. Has to. There's going to be frowning otherwise, and _Dean_ , and _you shouldn't, why are you doing this?_ Well, maybe. Maybe not. No one's here to see, right now.

The war room table that he's parked his butt on glows faintly in the dark. It seems kind of final, sitting here.

Dean tips the glass back. He didn't get punched in the face today, no sore places inside his mouth tingling with pain. This is a different kind of burn.

Cradling the empty glass in his hand, he rubs a thumb over its cut crystal pattern. It's too damn quiet in his home. Too damn quiet. If— _when_ they get everyone back, it's going to be so much better. Everyone's going to be so happy. Dean pictures them all smiling, hugging each other.

Try as he might, but he can't see himself there.

Dean swallows whiskey-bitter spit, a different kind of burn now in his eyes. It wouldn't be so bad. No, no, it's gonna be okay. He rubs at his face. Squeezes his eyes shut, jaw clenched tight. _Keep it in, keep it together_. It wouldn't be so bad. It'd be worth it. It'd be worth it, even if he wouldn't be there to see it.

Fingers clenched around it, Dean takes his glass to the kitchen to clean, leaving the tumbler behind. He's got to keep it together. A little at least. For a while, at least.

For his family. God, but they're so _alike_. Dean looks at them, and it makes him happy. And it makes him sad.

Dean looks at Sammy, and he sees Mom, he sees John. Sammy, who deserves a real Mom. Sammy who wants out of all of this—it's only Dean who's keeping him here. And Mary deserves a son that she can look at and feel like she's succeeded, like she can be at peace.

Dean looks at Cas and Jack together, the understanding they have between them. How happy they make each other, how important they are to each other.

It's taking way too damn long to get to the damn kitchen. Dean's not even alone in the bunker right now, but it feels like he's got nowhere to go. No one to talk to. No one to talk to who'd _get_ it.

There's no one here like him. Because Dean's only half a person, on a good day. Sometimes he doesn't even make sense to himself. Doesn't get why he can't do the things that look so easy on everybody else. If he asked how they did it, if he told them how it feels, they'd think he's dumb, or crazy. Or both. Wouldn't be far off the mark. Maybe that's just what it's like, when so much of what makes a person is missing.

Entering the kitchen now. The light is on, it's empty. Sometimes, when Dean's home—Dean's nest—isn't empty, the kitchen is warm, the light is warm, it smells like food. It's empty today and the light is on but shines cold. It's clean too, but even that can't make him happy.

Dean could put the glass in the sink and walk away. But where would he go? Except to his dark and lonely room and wait for sleep that won't come. It's got to be the exhaustion talking, and he knows he will eventually drift off for an hour or two, but right now he feels like he will never sleep again. Not really.

The water is cold, running over his fingers. Rinsing out the glass. Running his fingers over it, back and forth, the edges of the cut pattern feel sharper than they did before. He does that a lot, tracing the pattern, running his fingertips over fading scars. Nervous habit.

Dean's staring down at his hands, at the water, and an intrusive thought pops into his head. He's used to that happening, but sometimes—sometimes. He's still holding the glass, and he could just, he could just _smash_ it against the side of the sink. Drive the pieces into his hand, deep enough, deep enough to really hurt. Because he's going to hurt his family. No matter what he does, he's going to hurt his family.

Gasping, Dean holds onto the edge of the sink in a white-knuckled grip with his left. He leans over the sink, curling over his chest. His heart is hammering a drum beat, beating in his temples. _Ba-dum_ , _ba-dum_. Too loud, too fast. Black spots in his vision, knees trembling.

He won't even be here anymore, then. He won't even get to explain. Not that they would get it—not that he wants them to get it. Dean wants them happy. They're going to be so happy. They're going to be _so_ happy.

Dean forces a breath in—it hurts—forces it out. In, again, as deep as he can.

Water is running over the glass, over his fingers, numbing them with cold, until they don't even feel like his anymore, until he can't feel them anymore.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> verses at the beginning are from Revelation 13:1
> 
> i've disvovered handpan music and wrote most of this to [this haunting instrumental piece](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDQgU1CPpis)
> 
> i'm not a native speaker and this wasn't beta read. if you find mistakes, please tell me!
> 
> please leave me a comment if you enjoyed reading! or find me on tumblr at [cuddlemonsterdean](http://cuddlemonsterdean.tumblr.com/)


End file.
